I don't usually put much about my personal experiences on this website. Some of you may have heard my story on the Pharmacy Podcast or read about it in the Wired article. I've been hearing from more and more patients who are experiencing abusive encounters in the hospital or doctor's office. So many have what appears to be PTSD from these encounters. I know I do. I wanted to briefly tell you what happened to me and why I started advocating in 2017. I have Crohn's and chronic kidney stones. In November of 2017 I went to the hospital for kidney stones. The ER doctor decided to admit me for pain and nausea control, and for fluids. Upon entering the room, the hospitalist asked why I had been given Ativan regularly. I told him it was for PTSD. He pressed me for the reason. I told him childhood trauma. He asked if it was specifically childhood sexual abuse, and I told him yes. He then told me due to that he couldn't give me IV opioids. That sexual abuse changed my brain chemistry and so would IV opioids, said I was too high risk for addiction. He jokingly punched me on the arm and said I'd thank him some day. I was treated horribly for the next 24 hours. Accused, interrogated, spoken down to, mocked, ignored. The lies they put in my EHR are astounding. I've spoken about this experience often on social media because I want others to feel less alone. To know they don't have to be silent if something similar happened to them. As you may know, victims of childhood sexual abuse are used to being silenced, used to feeling shame and fear, used to accepting abusive encounters. If this has happened to you, please know you aren't alone. The vast majority of doctors aren't like this. They'd be mortified by our abusive encounters in medicine. I've always been a writer, but I don't usually share poetry I've written. It's private. Kind of a part of how I've always coped. I want to share this poem, though. It feels vulnerable to share it, but I hope it helps someone. Feel free to reach out to me if you need someone to talk to. bev@thedoctorpatientforum.com
Silenced No More
You can't tell
My abuser would say
They'll all blame you
They'll make you pay
Being blamed for abuse
Was my biggest fear
It's how he kept me silent
Year after year
I finally told
And he was right
They all blamed me
For what happened at night
It was taken to court
The judge was on my side
Telling my abuser
It was his fault, not mine
Over the years
I've fought that shame
Convincing that little girl
That she wasn't to blame
Decades have past
I have kids of my own
Felling less shame
Now that I'm grown
I was sick and in pain
Went to the hospital for relief
What happened next
Was beyond belief
Due to being abused
You turned me away
You wouldn't treat my pain
Said I'd thank you some day
You let me cry and beg
You never did help
I left broken and lost
A familiar feeling I felt
The damage you did
Was more than I can say
You broke something in me
When you turned me away
Silencing survivors
Empowering those who abuse
Re-victimizing victims
Is what you do
You can't silence me now
Try as you might
I am stronger than you
I was born for this fight
(pdf) (Word)
